This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Randomize
