saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
You had me at "let me see your balls"
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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