She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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