Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
