God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
i just googled "who won the civil war" . how can i still have a 97% in this class?
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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