Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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