Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Yeah. Still not happy that my prof saw a picture of my vag.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
