Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize