My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
That’s true love. If they recognize a chocolate mold of your anus.
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