I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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