Jerry, you need to find god
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
