i want to be waterboarded, just to see what all the fuss is about
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
Her 4ft mother helped 5ft10 passed out me from the car to my girlfriend's bed at 1am...with whopper in hand
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
Randomize
