Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
My neck is PURPLE. This is NOT a good day to be indoctrinated by the cardinal...
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I can't believe I watched you put a tampon in in the parking garage
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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