strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
My favorite part was screaming to all my life by kc and jojo and just horribly failing
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
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