Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I'm going to an arts college, I live next to the frat houses, and my room number is 420. god has plans for me and I couldn't be happier.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
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