Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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