he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
