Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
