yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
not ubering you a puppy
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize
