We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
Randomize
