How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
