Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Randomize
