a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Randomize
