I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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