a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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