I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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