Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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