got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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