I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
