I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
Randomize
