Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
