I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
