Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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