youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
