i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Don't be scared. It'll feel very good. And you'll be clean afterwards. I'm growling right now.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
