Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
Can't tonight. I'm supposed to get drugs for some college kids. Just doin my part in helping to enlight america's future
Of the three people getting wasted at this dance competition, im two of them
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
