I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
Don't get me wrong, the sex itself is amazing, but I don't think I will EVER get used to her habit of singing lines Jesus christ super star when she is about to cum.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
