On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
