So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.
Again?
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I'm having shoppers remorse over a dildo
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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