They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
