I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
ISS teacher has a tramp stamp.
Shotgun.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
Randomize