Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
