We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
