Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
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