That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Oh fuck, I'm officially a cougar..he's got the same name as my grandson
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize