I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Left Las Vegas at 2:30 am, woke up at 11 AM at a Barstow gas station with the Valet from Ceaser' palace snoring in the backseat and no memory of how we got there. I felt like Raoul Fucjing Duke right then and there.
Randomize
