Tell her she can't have a vagina
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
