god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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