Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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