I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.
i'm watching the tyra show: "women who beat up their boyfriends" - lets see how she can make THIS one all about herself too.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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