Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
