my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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