Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
did you seriously just ask me if there is such thing as a sophisticated batman shirt?
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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