3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
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