Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
so much tequila, so little girl.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
Randomize
