you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
you can SEE the outline of a pad through her jeans. there is no way
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize