meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
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