Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Someone came in the potted fern
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
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