She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
