Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize