I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
