i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
